It’s official. We are no longer tourists. We are certified 24/7 parents once more and with that title comes a list of duties, obligations and responsibilities. The parenting list includes all kinds of different jobs. There are some that are tiresome, some that are pleasurable, some that are exasperating and every now and then a job that leaves me heart-sore and broken.
Yesterday morning was tough. Yesterday morning I told my first white lie to my little girl just to make life easier for myself. We were dressed and ready to leave. The boys had left early to miss the manic Monday traffic which gave us some extra time to ourselves. You sat with me on the bed watching mommy get ready for her interview with your big adoring brown eyes. I knew when I said it was school time you would be upset. I just didn’t know how upset. Your eyes filled with tears and your jovial little smile disappeared. I could deal with that. I couldn’t deal with the pleading that was about to turn into a tantrum. So I lied. I told you we were going to the shops. I was as nervous as hell for the impending interview and I didn’t want to have to drag you into your car chair kicking and screaming.
Halfway to school I told you the truth and my heart broke into a million pieces. The look of disappointment on your innocent face hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized dealing with a fit of temper was emotionally less painful than dealing with the thought that I disillusioned you. You sobbed. You pleaded. You held onto me for dear life. I walked out of the daycare in tears.
I am so sorry.
I am sorry for lying. I lied to make it easier for you. But mainly for myself and for totally selfish reasons.